Author: Jackie

Divorced, single mom for 14 years, 2 teenage boys.. All I have been through...all the ups and downs have made me who I am today..

Part 2-Beginnings and Ends

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So the story continues…..side note… I am a first time blogger and hope everyone reading this is well and safe and sane and I wish you all a day filled with lots of joy..

Okay so I got married back in 1988…the time of “big hair”, “drugs” and “no cell phones”…I had big dreams of that happily ever after with the white picket fence, a home and lots of kids…what I didn’t dream of or plan on was joining the “80”s drug/party scene and drink and drug my way through the end of the 80s and all of the 90s…

So the day arrived…my wedding day… my happily ever after!!! But there I was…..still thinking about the rehearsal dinner we had 2 nights before the wedding….because who has a rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding? Right? Well we did because everything we did revolved around drinking and partying and a big beautiful wedding was no exception.. So this beautiful day filled with all our family and friends consisting of 250 guests, the dress, tux, limo, cake, veil, ceremony, vows and what we could not wait for, the reception was not what I was thinking of. All I could think about was the day before my wedding had been spent one more time hung over and riddled with guilt, shame, remorse and that nagging feeling not so deep down that I should not be getting married…

You see by this point in the relationship I am 3 years into completely loosing myself and really don’t see there being a new beginning….only an ending.. whether it is with the relationship, lifestyle or who I am. I was sinking deeper and deeper into that abyss of knowing better but not being able to take the action needed and choose what I know is inherently best for me so instead I do what I will do and did for the next almost 20 years…I lift that imaginary rug and sweep it all under it and pretend all is okay…and I get married…Stay tuned for Part 3…

Where to start and end???

There is so much to write about on the subjects of “Marriage” “Divorce” and the “Single Parent” that I don’t know where to start….so I will start with this….Why are there so many marriages when there are so many divorces? Most seem to go into marriage with that idea that its “forever” and believe we will always feel this deep / passion “in love” feeling…and on that Big Day we are all goo goo eyed, head over heals in love and can’t think of life without each other….then it happens…sometime / somewhere down the happily ever after marriage road,,,..maybe 1 year later / 5 years later or 20 years later and sometimes only a few months later…those goo goo eyed / in love / feelings turn from love to hate and / or from protect to destroy…all under the same roof, and sometimes without warning….Ever wonder how that happens? how that negative / hate creeps into that beautiful marriage? I sure did and my take is when the honeymoon, the heart palpitating goo goo eyed feelings go away…we are left with each other…all bare and real and naked and vulnerable and very uncomfortable..and without the protective shield of love and lust we are left with a person we may or may not “like”, “respect” and/or “admire”.. …..TO BE CONTINUED: